Living Equalities

Non-violent Communication

This program is inspired by one of the core philosophies of TA, namely, "I am ok, you are ok", which connotes that every individual is worthy of love and respect regardless of their race, class, gender, sexuality, caste or creed. This program holds the vision of facilitating social change in schools while upholding the dignity of every human being and yet holding them accountable for their behavior.

While many of you may be familiar with the core philosophy of TA, we imagine that at least some of you might be curious to know how to live this philosophy in reality. It is at this point that the role of NVC comes into picture. If TA provides an answer to the 'what' of the program, NVC sheds light on the 'how'.

Nonviolent Communication is a giving and receiving of messages that focuses on two very important questions:

What's alive in us?
What can we do to create connection?
What can I do to make life more wonderful?

The intention of NVC is to create a quality of connection that promotes giving and receiving from the heart

Key assumptions of NVC

All human beings share the same needs
Our world offers sufficient resources for meeting everyone's basic need
All actions are attempts to meet needs. A list of needs can be found here.
Feelings point to needs being met or unmet. For example we feel ecstatic, joyful, happy and elated when our need for love, cooperation and kindness are met. A list of wider feelings for when needs are met can be found here. However, we may experience other feelings when sad, lonely, upset or agitated when those same needs are unmet. For further examples of these feeling see here.
All human beings have the capacity for compassion
Human beings enjoy giving
Human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships
Human beings change
Choice is internal
The most direct path to peace is through self-connection

Key principles of this program

Language is a lens by which we look at the world and therefore we are going to pay keen attention to our words, especially while trying to navigate difficult conversations
There is a difference between stimulus and cause. While a certain situation or a particular person’s behaviour may stimulate painful feelings in us, they are not the cause of our feelings. We are each responsible for our own behaviour and feelings.
All judgments are tragic expressions of unmet needs and therefore we encourage you to refrain from using words such as “good” or “bad”, or “right” or “wrong” with your students and with each other.
We do not use punishment or reward to incite behaviour change - instead we focus on inspiring ourselves and each other to engage in behaviours that serve everyone’s needs
We prioritize connection and understanding instead of jumping into quick solutions because our faith is that once connection is established, creative strategies can emerge

PIE Resource

Transforming judgments

Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.
- Marshall Rosenberg

In many ways, the capacity to judge has helped human beings to meet their needs for protection and efficiency. And yet, when it comes to the interpersonal domain, the act of judging has more often than not only led to an enhanced sense of separation and pain for all the parties involved. The very act of judging tends to put ourselves on a higher pedestal and judge the other party (student/colleague) as being inherently wrong. While it may help us have a sense of self-righteousness, it not only creates distance between people but it also disconnects us from our own needs.

The intention of this module is not to ask you to give up your judgements but rather the intention is to invite you to embrace your judgements and become curious about them. Our judgements are merely an indication that some of our needs are not being met. There are 2 keys steps that can help us to transform our judgements and move back into a space of connection:

Identify your feelings towards this other person and recognizing/connecting with the needs that you are trying to meet by judging this other person
Making a guess about what the other person could probably be feeling and imagining/connecting to the needs that the person is trying to meet by those actions.

Since we are socialized to judge others and engage in right vs wrong thinking, many people may find this activity very challenging, especially in the initial phases. Changing our habitual ways of engaging with the world can seem to be a herculean task. Therefore, the challenge is to engage in regular practice because transforming our judgements not only transforms our quality of life but it also transforms us as human beings.

Practice sheet

Write down a judgment that you would like to explore about someone - your student, colleague or someone who is in a position of authority in your school. This may be something you believe to be completely true about the other person. For example: "He is an idiot", "She is manipulative", "She is a difficult student", "He is attention seeking", "He is political and plays dirty games", "He is rude".
Write down your observations about this person that make you have this judgement about them. For example: "5 times in last week, when I turned my back towards the board, he started making some sounds and the whole class started laughing", "We had worked together on the project but she went and told the head teacher that it was all her effort", "He was looking outside the window when I was teaching and when I asked him to pay attention, he said that there was no point in paying attention as he wouldn’t understand what I am teaching any which ways".
How do you feel towards this person? What needs of yours are not met in relation to that person’s action?
Try to put yourself in this other person’s shoes. What needs do you imagine this person might be trying to meet by taking this action? How might this person be feeling?
Check in with yourself about your original judgment. Is it still alive? If yes, return to connecting with your own needs or with the other person’s needs – wherever you’re experiencing more energy and tension. If the judgment is still alive after that, consider: What needs might you be trying to meet by holding on to this judgment? What feelings arise in relation to this? Again, connect with yourself sufficiently about these needs to experience some relief.
Check in with yourself again about the judgment. If it’s still alive, consider the following question: Is there any way in which you believe the judgment to be "the truth"? If so, explore what needs might be met by this belief, and what needs might be met by letting go of this belief.
Reflect on your feelings, needs, and any requests you have of yourself or of the other person in this moment.

Connecting with the life force in you

The structure of our education system is such that it entails a lot of 'shoulds' on teachers and students alike. There is a constant pressure on educators to complete the syllabi and also to do it in a particular way. Thus, it is not uncommon for us as educators to expect obedience from our students which is quite contrary to the very purpose of education - 'to make our students think'. It is almost as if we want them to think only when we want them to think and only what we would like them to think.

All human behavior is guided by needs. However, the process of education inherently demands that both the teacher and the pupil somehow give up on what they personally need and want. We have been primarily encouraged to do what is 'right', avoid what is 'wrong', be 'rational', obey what people in authority tell us, follow the rules, or lead our students into following the rules. We have been made to digest a lie – "respecting others means giving up on what I want and taking care of myself means ignoring the needs of others".

If we believe that the only way to be respectful of others is through denying ourselves, making ourselves somehow go away and not have needs, then we will eventually be either alienated from ourselves, have a scarcity mindset or take a rebellious stance of fulfilling ourselves even if it is at the cost of others. Our needs are our life energy. This energy longs to be nurtured and engaged with. This energy wants to fulfil itself. However, so much of our schooling experience is about telling us to not pay attention to this vibrating, pulsating life energy within us. How will this energy not rebel at some point in time?

Contrary to what most of us have been told – "needs are the root cause of all problems and therefore don’t have needs", "Needy makes you bleedy" etc, we are inviting you on this escapade of daring to turn inward and become curious about this powerful life energy that resides in each one of us. The premise of this approach is that everything that everyone does is always an attempt to meet a need. Our needs represent our humanity and therefore they are harmless and common to all human beings – what is in conflict is often our strategies to meet those needs. The assumption is that the more aware we are of your needs, the more choices we will have to fulfil our needs in a way that honours others.

Practice 2: Differentiating between needs and strategies

Identify a situation that was challenging for you in your work environment. (For example: a senior male colleague kept interrupting and cutting your statements during the teachers meeting, you witnessed a black upper-class girl student make fun of the white lower-class boy student’s shoes). Think in detail about what exactly happened, what choices you had, what decisions you took and how you acted.
What would the video camera capture you doing? Describe what you actually did (For example: 'I raised my volume and asked my colleague to let me finish my sentence', 'I looked at the black girl for 5 seconds, turned to the black board and started writing')
Why did you do what you did? What was important for you at that moment? What were you hoping to achieve by doing what you did? What needs were you trying to fulfil through your actions?
Did your action get you what you needed? How do you feel about the whole situation?
Were there any needs that were not met through this action? If yes, what were those needs?
Being aware of what you needed and the impact of your action, would you like to make a new choice and act differently when a similar situation arises again? What would you like to do this time? How do you imagine this new choice would help you get what you want and needed?